I’m Sorry, Mom

There is so much truth in saying that you won’t know what Mom’s go through until you are a Mom.

I have been a mom for just over 6 years now, and I am only starting to really get that now (I guess it comes with maturity) as the boys grow older, and training their little minds becomes a more complicated and mind boggling process.

There are days that feel unbearable, days when I wonder why the hell I am doing this. This ‘Motherhood’ thing. I start questioning myself, wondering if I have said “thank you” enough to my mom, for every damn thing she has ever done for me. Whether I believed if it was in my best interests or not. The night she said I couldn’t join my friends at a concert, thank you for not letting me go. I know now that you had a gut feeling about that night, amongst many other decisions you have made for me. And you trusted it. Thank you for every morning you got up even if you didn’t want to, to make me breakfast, to help me draw or put that movie on for the 654th time. The Mother’s Day that just felt like any other day, the days you stayed out of work to look after me when I was sick, even when you weren’t feeling well, you did it. The day you decided to put a hold on your dreams to take care of us, even if you were feeling uncertain if you would ever get the chance to rebuild those dreams. But it didn’t matter to you. Taking care of your family was what you were living for, it was exhausting you, but it made you happy. I didn’t know that then, I didn’t know the little details, I never saw the grey clouds, the days you didn’t feel like you weren’t doing your best. Those moments were clouded by my innocence. But I get it now.

The times you stayed next to me till I fell asleep (sorry for the permanent aching back), and then forced yourself to stay up with me for the 3rd night in a row to take away my fever. I’m sorry I was such a fussy eater, it must have been a difficult task to come up with dinner ideas every night to make sure we were all happy with full tummies. So thank you for making me toast after you stood for 2 hours cooking a meal that I didn’t end up eating. I’m sorry for fighting with my sister and making you pick up the pieces to protect our bond. Thank you Mom, it is because of you that we have this unbreakable bond that we share today, and I now know how difficult it is to watch your children you love so dearly spit ugly words at each other.

Thank you for buying me the dress I wanted, even though I knew you had your eye on that nice jacket you had been working so hard to own. Thank you for smiling for me even though I knew there were days you didn’t want to. It meant everything to me. I saw the smile Mom, and I remember it. I’m sorry there were days that I made you cry, thank you for always making it okay and protecting me from feeling insecure or that it was because of me. Thank you for cancelling your date night because I didn’t want to be without you, although it’s not my fault, I’m sorry for not allowing you and Dad to have time together that you so desperately needed and deserved. I know now how important it is to have that time. You gave up so much, and I see that now.

I ask myself far too often “how did my mom do all of this?”. Now I know that it takes all of you, everything you have got to be a Mom and be there for these tiny humans you are trying to keep happy and alive. Often we are too hard on ourselves and don’t allow ourselves to let go a little, to check our phones for 5 minutes without feeling like we don’t deserve to have that 5 minutes to catch up, we feel bad for saying yes to meeting a friend for coffee and not think about being a mom for half and hour of our day, and we feel judged for giving our kids chocolate spread on toast for lunch because… well, momming is hard!

Mom’s; never give up. Trust that one day your kids will forever be grateful for your love and support throughout all the stages and phases of their lives, despite the many challenges you will face together (and boy will there be many, many challenges), there is always a reward when you look into the eyes of your children, whether it be when you tuck them in at night, when they are laughing, or when they crying and come to you for your comfort. This, is your gift Mamas. Indulge in it un-con-di-tion-al-ly. Do what YOU can do, not what is expected of you. Be as present as your body, mind and spirit allows you to be on any given day. And on the days you feel you didn’t do you best, remember, tomorrow CAN be better.

~Mom, from the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that I felt it. I felt everything you ever did for me. Even though I never showed it. You are so incredibly strong Mom, and I thank you for every role you play in my life.~

 

xo

Leigh

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