It’s been a long while since I last took the time to write, and there is a reason for this of course. I needed to allow myself the freedom of overcoming the wilderness season I found myself in, and I have been meaning to share it with you. But I desperately needed time out from the blog and social media drama, it can be an unforgiving territory. I somehow got lost, and forgot why I started blogging in the first place.
If you read my first post I ever published, A Meaningful Life and have followed since, you will see how my intentions for my blog changed, what was supposed to be a blog fueled by motivation and self-discovery, with nothing to gain but hope in reaching out to people that needed it most (amongst all the parenting challenges, tips and adventures) instead became a “me too” blog. I always strive to be authentic, but naturally we tend to find ourselves straying from that when we are influenced by competition and well, social media can take over your brain. If it didn’t, then it wouldn’t be fulfilling its purpose, right?
I found myself in a ditch. And it wasn’t until I reached this cruel season that I knew my whole life needed change.
I was in a marriage that no longer served its purpose. And as scary as it was to envision my life as a single mom, I knew I had to be brave, not only for me, but for my kids. Sounds cliché, I know. But hear me out.
After 3 years of marriage, and uncompromising trials, I realised that things don’t always work out the way you planned, and yes, it was a harsh reality. But I hit a dead end and I knew it was time to stop watering dead plants. There was nothing left to fight for. I was confident in the way I wanted my kids to grow up, the values and morals I hoped they would live by, and of course the way they would grow up knowing what love is. The meaning, the feeling, the presence of love. Every damn part of it.
This wasn’t the case.
Every time I looked into their innocent little eyes, I could feel the damage, the heartbreak flowed through me to them. They saw me cry, and sometimes they didn’t see me at all. But with the support of my family, I knew they had an endless flow of unconditional love and support that I, at times, was not capable of giving them.
As a Mom, I tried to be strong for them, but I knew I had to experience the pain and uncertainty I was faced with. I chose to walk away from a marriage with butchered emotions, knowing that it would be the hardest times I would encounter, but I knew there was triumph at the end of this heart journey.
When people asked me “would you ever get married again” the answer was always YES. Because I knew I would fall in love. I was confident in God and that he had a plan for me. And more importantly, I knew what kind of life I wanted for me AND my kids, and I was in no hurry to find it. I needed time to pick up the pieces for my kids. I knew I would have the patience to wait for a love that would fulfill every corner and crack of my heart. A love that set my soul on fire in a way that was unfamiliar. Breaking boundaries of my heart and paving a new way for a bright future. And then it happened to me. I found the courage to begin again. But more about that later.. It definitely deserves a blog post on its own to give justification to my bragging rights, and describe how it has changed my journey 😉
Why am I telling you this? You ask. Because once I had realised I was at the bottom, the more I shared my fears regarding my future, with those around me, there were more and more people willing to share their stories with me, and I realised, relating to people can change lives. Literally.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am not telling you to give up, or leave your husband or wife. I am telling you to trust your journey that is set out for you. Whatever it may be. However, if you are stuck in a place of uncertainty, unsure of the stability of your future as a single parent, I have this to say to you;
Darling, you need to cry, you need to fight, be angry, feel lonely, guard your heart for as long as you need. Feel the bruises, show your scars, allow your heart to break and let in the light that will guide your way forward. It’s okay to not be okay. But when you are ready, get the hell up, because nothing grows from a comfort zone. It’s okay to stay there a while, but don’t unpack and settle. And when you are ready to open your heart and trust someone to take care of it, I hope you find courage to begin to trust again. And when you do, oh my, trust me, it is beautiful and it shines through you.
And when you feel it, may you continue to experience the joys that love can bring without the bitter taste in your mouth. You are not alone, and for what it’s worth, forgive yourself for letting your guard down, for it is what got you to this beautiful place where you are able to make peace with the journey of your heart. Overcoming the Wilderness season takes courage, bravery and tenacity. It is a never ending journey that will bring along its own trials for years to come, and there will always be tough seasons, but whatever those trials entail, and no matter how relentless the lessons are, I hope you can continuously grow through what you are going through. Yes. You are enough.
~If you are not happy where you are, move. You are not a tree. ~