What a busy day! I have so much to get through on my to-do list. Jamie fell asleep with a book in his hand, which I never read to him because of some ‘admin’ I had to attend to. I could hear him reading from the bedroom, but I was too distracted to go sit with him.
My phone beeped , and well.. there goes an half hour or time spent chatting and browsing on my phone. A quick reply on whats app lead to Facebook, which lead to Pinterest.. well we know how that goes. Damn technology, why can’t I go live in a forest where there are no distractions? I can’t even remember bathing them this evening, It’s become such a routine. I said sh*t! about 3 times in one sentence when something made me angry, and then reprimanded Jamie for repeating me. I asked them to calm down, because I had some important things to do, things to catch up on, like, life. But they needed me. They needed me to join in on their giggles, to be mindful of their existence. But I wasn’t there. Instead, I am writing this with a heavy heart because I didn’t spend enough time with them this evening, and dang-it!, it matters to me!
Before going to bed, while tidying up, I picked up the colouring book Jamie was using, and saw how wonderfully he had coloured in. I never really acknowledged it when he showed it to me. It mattered to him.
I went against my number one rule when I never kissed Riley goodnight, and didn’t tuck him in. He knows.
As I lay in bed, I realize that I cannot get this evening back. Those small moments and things that mattered so much to them, I cannot get back, my heart sinks. I realize that these moments when I didn’t do my best, every day, are moments that make motherhood so hard, yet we are only human, trying to ‘make it’. The things I innocently say when under pressure, the way I react to their crazy spells, or when they are testing my patience, gives me regret. Just when I think I nailed it, I realize, in fact, I haven’t. I keep telling myself that it is just a phase, it will pass. But sometimes that is not enough. So I take a deep breath, and pause to organise my thoughts.. And then I realise the realness. That is, when your little humans are filled with such big emotions, it’s your job to share your calm, not join in their chaos. Yes it is easier said than done. It takes perseverance, and acceptance of our individual changing of season, all trying to incoherently connect. So yes, today I may feel as if I am failing as a mother, but I am always learning. I have become fully aware that I can’t be a perfect mother and that it’s okay to make mistakes, and “wing it”, as long as I have faith in myself, Always.
Having a bad day doesn’t make you a bad mother.
Yes, motherhood is hard. But we are only human.
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