Taking care of a child is the essence of hard work. Let alone having two ! It is doing everything over again and again, two mouths to feed, two busy personalities to keep entertained, two tired and (often) miserable little bodies to drag out of bed and get dressed for day care. School fees, clothing, everything is expensive, and everything for us is doubled. A family outing becomes something you have to work into your budget. Wait till they start wanting fancy branded clothing and PSP’s for their birthdays and Christmas. I take my hat off to mothers of multiples! Its tiring, not to mention raising a new born baby, the stressful moments and sleep deprivation that come with it. So why would I put myself through all of that again? Another baby? I must be out of my mind! When is it enough? To feel complete.
Making this decision is hard. (Thank you star signs of the universe, yes, you, Libra, thanks for making it hard for me to make a decision when faced with a life changing decision) I have always wanted to have 4 kids, so it’s no surprise that I feel like I am not complete until I fulfill that dream. Okay, maybe 3 is enough. Phew. But even though I know in my heart that I am not done with this journey, there are still financial implications when having a baby, and you will never be financially prepared for it.
Why cant I let it go? I am ready, I am prepared. I am craving to hold a baby again, and in all the terrifying memories of the panic stricken moments and meltdowns of taking care of a newborn baby, I am reminded what it feels like to have them fall asleep on my chest and rock them back to sleep during the most special bonding moments at 3am. The feeling of being needed. Suddenly, Reality checks in that My boys are growing up at a pace too fast for me to cope, emotionally. They no longer want to be held or cuddled and their independence is slowly creeping in. I want it all over again. This, i am sure of.
I don’t want that feeling to end.
I don’t want them to stop needing me.
When I was a little girl, I had always said I wanted to be a mom. When wondering what my ultimate purpose in life was, I became a Mother and I knew this was something that was going to fill my heart with the utmost content. Being a mother has fulfilled my life in ways I cannot begin to explain. Sure, it has its moments of chaos, but, at the end of each day, When I kiss those little cheeks goodnight and tuck them in tight, I look at them and I couldn’t be more happy. I realize I have so much love to give, and I am certain that I have room for more in my heart. Until that day comes, until I get to experience the joy of bringing new life into the world, I will enjoy Jamie and Riley’s magical little world and prepare our lives for our next exciting chapter.
I am content knowing that ultimately, no matter how many children I had the liberty of nurturing, they aren’t going to need me as much. They aren’t going to want me around every day or tell me how their day was. However, they will always make me proud and I will forever be blessed that I have the privilege of watching them grow up and be a special part of the great adventures that life will present to them. In the end, with a grateful heart, I will grow old. But my love for them wont.