Sadness dwells deep inside of me as I come to the realisation that I have not been my husband’s biggest fan. My mind, body and soul are exhausted. I am married; I am a wife, why are the attachments to those words so daunting? The pressures of living up to the expectations are exceedingly becoming too familiar. I depend on him to believe in me, be my best friend, have respect for me, and be my husband and a Father. The house needs to be cleaned, the children need to be taken care of, I need to be taken care of. So begins the great divide.
This was my fight.
After getting married, the struggle of acceptance had begun. “The first year of marriage is always the hardest” they said. They were right. The inconceivable truth was evident. Suddenly we became aware of each other’s emotions; feelings of sensitivity and the feeling of not being good enough crept in. Letting ourselves go and letting our guard down, I failed to protect my heart.
Having a baby prior to getting married had initially put a great deal of strain on our relationship. Having a second baby was proving to be an even bigger challenge. Neglecting our marriage, we failed to find a balance. With all troubles aside we tried to endure the hardships. We were certain that we could rebuild our marriage and give our children and ourselves the life we deserve, but there were no instruction manuals, we couldn’t piece it together. As the challenges of parenting and finding a balance in our marriage became a constant obstacle in our lives, so did the challenges of preserving our faith in each other and protecting it from sinking, it became evidently clear that our hearts no longer understood nor accepted each other. Endurance was proving to be the biggest challenge; it was testing our patience and butchering our emotions.
We were living past one another, trying to find time for ourselves, ignorant of the reality that we were in fact only making time for our own lives, individually. We became selfish. Our vulnerability was no longer part of our existence. The ups and downs became unbearable, losing each other in the process. Lessons were never learnt. Our commitment for one another became redundant. We were collapsing, and too selfish to concede it. We were reconciling to this idea that this was what we were made of. This was our life. Our hearts were too tired to put up the fight. We didn’t feel the need to grow and demand love from each other. We accepted it.
So, why? How and why did I allow this to happen?
We failed to identify the evident difficulties we were experiencing in our marriage. Instead of facing our problems, we allowed our problems to come between us. We allowed ourselves to live out of fear of inconvenience and lost control of priorities. Egos grew bigger than us. The love that was once important to us was no longer part of our existence. I was pessimistic and my marriage became somewhat insignificant.
Ironically, my adorable parents have been married for 29 years. They demonstrate everything that is right. How to love, to give, to trust, to forgive and be selfless. Their love and devotion for one other has forever been a true inspiration to me and has made a dramatic impact in my life.
We were aware that we needed to allow our hearts to reconnect, but we were unsure of the reality and severity of it and we were making decisions based on negative emotions.
We needed time.
However, it was when hitting rock bottom, I saw my life from the outside. I saw my two beautiful boys innocently going about life and absolutely oblivious to the idea that we were not okay. I could no longer wear my mask. What were we subconsciously teaching them? I knew I had to change the direction of my path. With all of our best interests at heart, and terrified, I began to make an effort to save myself, love myself and, ultimately, save my future. I became acutely aware of all I did not want for my life, and I yearned for a love so deep it would make the ocean jealous. I knew this was not the end of my story, this is where my new chapter began.
I hope that the purpose of sharing my story of my struggle will help you resist the great divide, but also know your worth, and have the persistence to wait for that feeling, it will come, wait for that love. Many couples go through the struggle – know that you are not alone. I pray that you can find the strength to FORGIVE and LOVE again.